Sneakiest Ninja (dot) com: Welcome, everybody. Tonight's guest is notorious visionist Clay Stearns. Glad you could make it Clay.

 

Clay Stearns: Well, I'm glad to be here [chuckles].

 

SN: ...That wasn't funny. Anyway, this is our first interview with Clay, so maybe you could tell us a little about yourself.

 

CS: Sure thing. Uh, well I go to high school, im a senior in fact, and uh I play water polo for the local college UCI--

 

SN: University of California Irvine?

 

CS: Yes. I practice with the team every day.

 

SN: Oh, so you must be getting pretty good?

 

CS: [pause] no comment.

 

SN: Well, enough small talk. What drives you Clay?

 

CS: Literally? Uh, complex sugars, and uh, oxygen molecules, and some Dr Pepper, and fried chicked on Modays and Tuesdays...

 

SN: That's good to know, but I meant metaphorically. Don't worry, I don't really care. It's just what you do in an interview--ask stupid questions that sound all meaningful.

 

CS: Oh. So, you're not really listening?

 

SN: No. Im going to listen to "Greatest TV Themes" on this iPod. [puts on headphones]. But keep going.

 

CS: Of course. Well, I'm always up for doing new things. I think that, you know, every day should be a small adventure. I never liked getting stuck in any boring routines.

 

SN: [very disinterested] Yeah....Yeah....Uh-huh.....

 

CS: I'm never even really in the same place for long. Im always on the move, you know?

 

SN: You like travelling?

 

CS: Well, thats not really what I meant. You see, there's a lot of restraining orders on me. I need to stay 500 feet from her, 3 miles from her, [gesturing] and so on and so on; So I really need to be constantly moving as those girls move about so I don't go to jail.

 

SN: Don't get your hopes up. Anyway, quick question: What's your favorite star?

 

CS: Uh, the North Star?

 

SN: The North Star? What the hell are you thinking?

 

CS: Well, it helps all those ships find....North.

 

SN: The official favorite star of Sneakiest Ninja (dot) com is the Sun. I mean, come on! It's the Sun!

 

CS: Oh yeah, I forgot about that star. Can I change mine?

 

SN: No. You live with your mistakes.

 

CS: oh...[saddens].

 

SN: Think about it--the Sun gives us free heat and light. It never asked for anything in return. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Nobody hates the Sun.

 

CS: What about vampires?

 

SN: Pfft! [scoffs] Vampires.....they think they're all hardcore with the fangs and all, but they dont stand a chance against the Sun. And the Sun doesn't even care.

 

CS: I wish vampires were afraid of me...

 

SN: Well then stop moping and do something about it. You gotta go out there and make vampires afraid of you. Do what I did--find some vampires acting all cool and gothic and scary, beat the crap out of them, and slice some bloodsucking heads off.

 

CS: But they'll try to suck my blood!

 

SN: You know what you do then? While some vampire manages to get so close that he can suck your blood, and looks down to bite your neck, use your arms and punch him in the face. Tie him up, drag him somewhere out in the open, and let the Sun do the rest. Jeez, I have to tell everyone how to deal with their vampire problems.

 

CS: [thinking] In the face......Thats perfect! Sneakiest Ninja (dot) com, you've changed my life!

 

SN: Wouldnt be the first. Kickin' ass and changin' lives, this is Sneakiest Ninja (dot) com, out.

 

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