Sneakiest Ninja (dot) com: Buenos dizzigitty dias, everyone. Things just keep getting classier down here at S.N.D.C., in reference to the company we keep. Biggity Ben Weiss is in the hizziggitty this diem. That means 'day' to all the cats out there who lack sufficient knowledge in the field of Latin. Glad to have you with us, Ben.

 

Ben Weiss: Word. [hip hand gesture]

 

SN: To bring things to a frightengly fast start: How do you defend yourself against allegations that you were seen wearing a belt, given to you as a gift by a Samo Hong, which was purchased at The Gap. [pause] The Gap.

 

BW: Well, to start off, it was a birthday gift, which I hope will destroy any rumor of any friendship or fraternality between me and said Mr. Hong. Secondly, I was only holding the belt, in order that I might think of a good way to set it aflame and toss it through said Samo's window.

 

SN: Good call.

 

BW: Quite. Trust me, the only belt I would ever think of accepting from him would be a belt of scotch. And even then, I'd probably refuse it.

 

SN: That unplesentness aside, if you were a sea turtle with typhoid, who only had one week to live, and you were given three celebrity murders, who would they be?

 

BW: Although your not the first to ask me that, I'll have to give it some thought.

 

SN: Sure. At this time I would like to say that the Porsche is the finest autimobile ever made--

 

BW: Got it. First, Kevin Spacey for being in the movie K-Pax.

 

SN: [writing it down] uh-huh...

 

BW: Next, I'd have to say Horatio Sanz, from the cast of Saturday Night Live, for sending me those cookies with high amounts of racoon tranquilizers in them. I swear I must have been asleep on the floor for a week....

 

SN: [writing. Mumbling to self] Sanz comma Horatio. Cookies. Tranquilizers. [looks back up at Ben] Okay, and who's third?

 

BW: Whoever did the voice of the main badguy in Disney's "Mulan". If i can't have the coolest voice in the world, no one can!!

 

SN: [writing, mumbling] Badguy. Mulan. Coolest voice...[looks up] Well, I'm glad that's out of the way. Any long-term projects you working on? Or even finishing?

 

BW: Yes, actually. Im working on an anagrams system where I rearrange the leters in a celebrity's name to give a descrition of him or her. Im doing this for every celebrity in the country. Omit, of course, the ones that I requested be killed.

 

SN: Sounds interesting. What do you have so far?

 

BW: Im afraid I've only got one. "Zany Toad" for Tony Danza. Ive been trying to find one for the singer Seal for months now, but i just can't get anything...

 

SN: Reach for the stars. So, are you a Bustamante man? Thur have been rumors...

 

BW: Good God, no. In fact, when working as an assistant cook for him at his Garden Grove Estate two summers ago, I slipped in dangerous quantities of food additives with his popcorn shrimp.

 

SN: But he seems fine. The average middle-aged politician.

 

BW: Oh, yeah? [quietly] He's 19 years old.

 

SN: [shudder] ugh. Before this gets too deep, we'll cut this intervieww off right now. Besides, I'm getting some message about some big paint-thinner spill upstairs that I need to deal with. It's been a pleasure as always, Mista Weiss.

 

BW: Stay sneaky.

 

SN: I couldn't stop if I wanted to. S.N.D.C., out.

 

[End of Tape]