Sneakiest Ninja (dot) com
Interview with Samo

HOME
Ninjas
Cream of the Crop
Quotes
Potassium Comic
This Week's Essay
Wicked Awesome
The Lists
Shuriken Inc.
Interviews
Hook a Brother Up

Interview with Samo Hong
 
SneakiestNina(dot)com: --aybe the batteries are low. See if we have any more; they should be in the second drawer on the left. Oh, wait! nevermind, it's working. Welcome to our Ninja-on-NonNinja interview. Here with us today is Samo. Say Hello Samo.
 
Samo Hong: Hi.
 
SN: Well, let's get started. Samo, tell us a little about yourself.
 
SH: Fourty-six people want me dead.
 
SN: Really? Wow, you must've made a lot of enemies in s hort amount of time.
 
SH: Well, that's from before lunch. Lemme check my text messages..........................Okay, it's fourty-nine now.
 
SN: It's a wonder you're alive. How do you live anyway?
 
SH: I get down on my knees and cry to anyone i meet, and tell them 'Please! Please, dont kill me! I'll give you anything!', and that's what forced me to do all those humiliating stunts for strangers.
 
SN: Really? Like what?
 
SH: um, let's see. I ate my own pants in front of a bunch of school kids. I let a kangaroo punch me in the neck, and then passed out for 18 hours. Oh! I also stole a box of brownies from a local Girl Scout Troop meeting and filled them with mustard, then [looks down] ate those too.
 
SN: I can see why you have so many enemies. They're all the people you piss off when trying not to make enemies.
 
SH: That's true.
 
SN: What do you do in your free time, when not fearing for your life?
 
SH: I cry a lot [begins to cry].
 
SN: I see...anything besides looking like a total dissappointment?
 
SH: I play Jenga against myself, because no one wants to play. I end up losing every game though. Then after I lose, [looks down] 4 kilos of peanut butter.
 
SN: This is getting unnerving. So, anyways, are there any days when you wake up and think to yourself, 'today is Samo's day'?
 
SH: All the time. But those days end up being 'Samo gets kicked in the stomach and laughed at' days...which are becoming synonomous with 'Weekdays'.
 
SN: How do you see..oh, i dont know...Brian Song?
 
SH: I see him as a good friend and mentor. [whispering] Please dont tell him I said that--He'll call me gay and kick me in the stomach and take my money.
 
SN: I'm afraid I have no choice but to tell him.
 
SH: [ashamed of himself] I understand...
 
SN: Okay, next question: how are you doing with the ladies?
 
SH: I feel more and more like the only way any woman will ever spend time with me is if i kidnap them and feed them the finest wheat for six months...then beg them for a second date.
 
SN:[dissappointed in Samo]
 
SH:...and that's if I'm lucky.
 
SN: All right, moving away from the arrestable offences, how is your relationship with your parents?
 
SH: My father forces me to pay rent on my room, even more than the room's actual worth, every week. If i can't pay, which i never can because he forbids me to have a job, he beats me more than usual. The lowest I've ever gotten him was three beatings a day.
 
SN: Okay. That reminds me, your father called and said it was time for your beating. He also said if you were more than ten minutes late he'd give you two more beatings.
 
SH: How long ago did he call?
 
SN: Eleven minutes.
 
SH: [about to sob] okay...I'd better be going home now. Do you have any peanut butter?
 
SN: Not for you.
 
SH: All right. Thanks for spending time with me.
 
SN: I never wanted to, but you're welcome anyway. Hmmm...The batteries on this dictaphone are about to run out. So, untill next time, everyone,

Interview with Samo Hong--II
 
Sneakiest Ninja (dot) com: Hey, everyone. Well, the band Deep Purple couldn't make it tonight on account of a tour they are on. I guess that serves me right for scheduling the interview 18 months prior...So anyway, we have the esteemed Samo Hong with us again to catch up on what he has been doing since our last interview.
 
Samo Hong: hey, everybody.
 
SN: Did I tell you to talk, yet? Jeez...
 
SH: Im, so sorry.
 
SN: As you should be. Now to begin: Samo, I have come to understand that your life is finally beginning to pick up? Could you tell us about this?
 
SH: Yes sir, I am at last beginning to look on the bright side of things. I'm almost done with high school, I am expecting a few college acceptance leters--
 
SN: Did your dad stop beating you?
 
SH: ...........no. But as I was saying, now that my new life is about to start with the introduction of college, I believe that i can start fresh, and become happy with myself.
 
SN: Are those leather pockets?
 
SH: Well, yes. You already knew I had leather pockets.
 
SN: Not leather shirt pockets, for god sakes. What, are you afraid of pen's sensetive skin? Or in the case of your pants, your aristocratic wallet?
 
SH: But I stole this wallet from a hobo. Funny story, really. You see, it seems that Nik Lampros and myself were walking down the streets of Compton--
 
SN: [interrupting] Okay, moving on. I saw your picture in the local newspaper saying that you hade won a recent loom-weaving contest. You had to make a functioning pair of pants out of twine and wear them for a full day to test their integrity. Congratulations on that.
 
SH: Well...that was just a guy who looked like me, and used my name because he stole my ID, and was under 16, the legal age limit to enter such contests. That's why it seems as though I won. By a strange coincidence, I entered that loom-weaving contest, but was disqualified for having no ID, and showing up without pants.
 
SN: Now, why would you forget something as important as pants?
 
SH: Well, I figured that I would be weaving a new pair anyway at the contest. And they would only weigh me down.
 
SN: Wait a second here--you ran there?
 
SH: Yes.
 
SN: And you have your own loom?
 
SH: Not mine--I loaned it from Pier 1 Imports. It's only 65 cents a day. I was going to learn expert looming from the Hopi Indians, but they didn't want me there. There was some...unpleasantness [pause] I, uh, don't wanna talk about it.
 
SN: Almost as much as I don't wanna hear about it. Back to the topic questions: How will you plan to pay for this "college"? From what I understand, all the forced-labor money you make is being given to your father as rent for your room. Tell us a litle about your ideas for finances.
 
SH: I'm definitly on my way there. I made eleven dollars last week writing a movie review of Honey for the Miami Herald. I gave it 9 and a half golden baseball gloves. The paper didn't specify which scale to use.

SN: [pause] How do you live with yourself?

SH: It's not easy.

SN: Before we uncover any more of Samo's disturbing secrets, I'm going to smash this tape recoreder, and hope that I go deaf, as well.

[end recording]