Sneakiest Ninja (dot) com: --etsing, testing, one two? Gah! piece of crap. Radio Shack will curse the day they sold this dictaphone to--oh, it's working. Nik Lampros is in the hizzouse this time, and we're honored to have him.

 

Nik Lampros: The feeling is entirley mutual.

 

SN: First of all, where did you get that brandy you're swirling?

 

NL: I've been keeping it behind my back since dawn this morning, to prevent the wind and sun from disrupting it even the slightest bit. The type is the rarest that can be aquired in the area, able to be enjoyed only by those who have a pallet as sensitive and brash as the makers of the drink itself. Aged to perfection, I plan to become involved with the company itself in due time. That is of course, if my other pursuits don't take up my entire schedule.

 

SN: What other pursuits might you be referring to?

 

NL: I'm hoping to secure a plot of land in Spain to on which to build the first amusement park for advanced literature and art of the impressionist and modern eras. I plan to call it, "The Boulevard of Extravegence". 370 dollars for adult admission. Children not allowed withough an additional 400 dollars.

 

SN: Sounds like dy-no-mite. Anything else you're working on?

 

NL: Why, yes. Although I'm tring to keep it a secret, I'm going to buy out Heinz Ketchup Industry. After I own it, I will personally oversee the production of every bottle, and make sure that each has a slightly different flavor to it, to add to the array of flavors that my customers shall already be accustomed to.

 

SN: Wow. Have you ever cleaned your feet with wine?

 

NL: Why, of course. I did so last night. And by the way, I am sincerely sorry for the outrageous number of ants that have accompanyed my feet here. Now you have a glimpse of what being me is like.

 

SN: Not too big a glimpse, I hope. Okay, moving on...If you saw numbers 1 through 10 in front of you all on plates, which would you eat (if forced to)?

 

NL: What color room am I in?

 

SN: Uhh...white, with no windows or doors.

 

NL: How did i get in?

 

SN: The room was built around you.

 

NL: Hmm.....I would try 8 first, and i can already tell you what it would be like. Robust, arrogant, and rebellious, yet smooth and sleek. A trancendant array of flavor would be surpassed only by the aftertaste of pure detatchment, followed by a stomach that is no longer empty--but fulfilled.

 

SN: Ooh! Ooh! What would 2 taste like?

 

NL: Same thing, but add the word "haughty" in place of "arrogant".

 

SN: Wow, it's like you read my mind.

 

NL: To exit the white room, i would build an elaborate system of tunnels, stretching 400 meters from the exact center of the room.

 

SN:  Go on...

 

NL: Once outside, I shall construct a crude wagon with old fingernails and sweat, and lure a horse to pull the wagon with me inside using a patient meditiation luring technique i learned in Madagascar. With the horse pulling, I will venture to the city of Cannes, where I will raise money as a harlequin, then as a wine taster, then as a surgeon untill I have enough to start my business in Spain.

 

SN: What would you do with the horse once you get there?

 

NL: I'd paint "Lampros" on it's sides and train it to gallop through the streets at night.

 

SN: Uh huh...Moving on, what's your favorite shape?

 

NL:  The noble duodecahedron has earned my respects, but the grace of the hexoganal prism has captivated my beyond words.

 

SN: Is that a watermelon rind in your hair?

 

NL: [pause] ...so it is.

 

SN: If you had an elephant with three tusks that you had to paint, which color would you paint it?

 

NL: Indian or African?

 

SN: It's a hybrid.

 

NL: In that case---Safety Orange. So the beast would be seen far and wide, and the people will say, "That is the mighty paciderm of Nik Lampros"!

 

SN: Lemon square? [offering a lemon square]

 

NL: No, thank you. [he still takes the whole plate and slides it into his shirt]

 

SN: The joke's on you. They have been dipped in Valvoline.

 

NL: It will only add to the flavor, my good man, it will only add to the flavor.

 

SN: Thanks for joining us. I look forward to another interview.

 

NL: not as much as I look forward to eating this orange. [pulls an orange from his pocket; devours it without removing the peel]

 

SN: Clean up after that brandy you spilled. It'll get all sticky and smell bad and I'll have to borrow some of Dan's Oxy-Clean to get rid of it. Unitll next Interview, I'm going to sleep. [falls over]