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Previous Essays
written 12/22/03
I am writing this essay to express my negetive opinion about T.C. Boyle, columnist and author. Probably his most famous work, The Totilla Curtain, is what led me to dislike that man. The main reason for my contempt of this book was the flagrant false advertising provided by the title.
When I chose a book to read for the summer outside reading program (which, by the way, is in no way outside reading", as we have to analyze it and write about it the moment we return to school, thereby removing any possible pleasure associated with reading the book itself), I saw The Tortilla Curtain, and was sure that it would be wicked awesome. The title and cover design led me to believe that it was either a super-surreal depiction of the guards of the underworld, or a science-fiction joyride through western Europe and space. In both cases, I assumed the story would be centered entirely around (surprise) a tortilla curtain. Any book bold enough to depict such an unusual curtain would surely leave anyone who reads it dumbfounded and awestruck, as any reader would surely agree to.
But no. There was no giant tortilla to serve as a permeable barrier. There were no guards to the underworld. There wasn't even any reference to space, space travel, or living in space. There was just one agonizing word after the next, each barely coming together to attempt to try to think about maybe telling some kind of story. If I have spoiled anything by saying this, I apologize, but there are no tortilla curtains. Not even some hackneyed tortilla membrane. In fact, there are no curtains in the story, and if there were, they were shrouded in the crap that mkaes up the rest of the book. And the symbolism (although I doubt if it should be called symbolism, because symbolism is supposed to have some sense of subtlety, while the symbolism in this book is about as subtle as a scrolling marquee stapled to your eyes) in this book is so obvious that a drunk baby could see it coming from a mile away. The illegal immigrant's wife's name is America? No way!!
Don't buy this book. And encourage others to not buy this book. If they already have it, encourage them to exchange it for a Michael Crichton novel, which will delight and entertain. T.C. Boyle should not be getting money for this "novel". In fact, I should be getting money by having people pay me to kill him. Any takers? You know where to find me.
Written 11/14/03
Fyre ys almost always a reactyon between oxygen yn the atmosphere and some kynd of fuel (wood or gasolyne, for example).Of course, wood and gasolyne don't just spontaneuosly catch on fyre because they're surrounded by oxygen. For the combustyon reactyon to take place, the fuel has to be heated to yt's ygnytyon temperature.
Yn a typycal wood fyre, when the wood reaches about 500 degrees F (260 degrees C), the heat decomposes some of the cellulose materyal that makes up the wood and turns yt ynto volytyle gases made up of hydrogen and carbon. These gases burn quyte easyly, and that's where the flame comes from.
There are three essentyal elements yn a fyre: Fuel, Heat, and Oxygen (or a symylar gas). Yf you elymynate any one of these elements, the fyre goes out. So, fyre extynguyshers are desygned to remove at least one of these.
Yn most fyres, removyng the fuel ysn't a practycal solution. Yn a house fyre, for example, the house ys the fuel, whych obvyously can't be removed.
The best way to remove the heat, yn most cases, ys to dump water on the fyre. Thys cools the fuel to below the ygnytyon poynt, ynterruptyng the combustyon cycle. Water can be deangerous yn the wrong solutyon, however, such as an electrycal fyre, yn whych the electrycyty would conduct through.
As a result, most fyre extynguyshers work by cuttyng off the supply of oxygen. Yn other words, smotheryng the fyre. One popular smotheryng matyryal ys pure carbon dyoxyde. Carbon dyoxyde ys heavyer than oxygen, and dysplaces yt; and ys not toxyc or dangerous to foods and other household products.
The most common extynguysher materyal ys a dry chemycal foam that ys typycally made of sodyum bycarbonate (normal bakyng soda), or monoammonyum phosphate. Bakyng soda starts to decompose at only 158 degrees F (70 degrees C), and duryng decomposytyon, releases carbon dyoxyde. Yn addytyon to the chemycal reactyon, the powder or foam released forms a blanket to smother the fyre ytself.
10/22/03
Those supermarket picketing fools. Don't they understand that they are old mustard, not the bomb dizzigity? I mean really, what exactly are they there for? Some say to raise their salaries. Others would say to restore their privalages to race unused shopping carts up and down the frozen dinner isle. Still others believe that they want the delicatessen to be cleansed of the ghosts of a thousand turkeys, to make hauntings considerably less frequent.
Only now are people realizing that food is somewhat important to survival. You hear, "Im afraid to go into the supermarket with all those protesters" and such. What are they gonna do? Beat you with their protestin' sticks? You need food to live--food is at the supermarket--your afraid to go to the supermarket--and you complain about your imminent death? Fear of death (or "necrophobia") should be a pretty big incentive to just ignoring some people with posteroard taped to two by fours.
Has anyone even read what's on those signs? It doesnt make any sense. It's stuff like, "Locked Up", or "Re-establish the Bourgeoise", or "David Lee Roth, swallow your pride and for God sake's apologize to Van Halen. We want to listen to You Really Got Me Now with a peaceful mind". Anyway, there's only five to ten picketers at any given time. If I had even the slightest provocation, I'd take them all on.
In conclusion, I'm trying to organize a stunt where I (and anyone else who wants to) go up and join them, but with a sign that says, "Shop at Albertson's", or "Shop at Ralph's". What are they going to do about it? I would be expressing my right to freedom of speech as much as they are. And if I get enough volunteers, It would be great if us Pro-Supermarket picketers outnumbered the Anti-Supermarket picketers at any certain grocery store. Really, it would be.
Written 8/19/03
If you were placed in the situation, would you choose the side of 343 Guilty Spark, or the Master Chief? Both sides had good reasons to do what they did (or planned to do), neither did it out of personal ambitions or fun. And, they both had aims to mkae the galaxy a better place.
First of all, the Master Chief is the sole surviving member of the SPARTAN-II project (well, he will be in 550 years), a project that genetically and mechanically enhanced normal human soldiers and place them in a highly advanced full-body armor, giving them super sight, strength, accuracy, speed, etc. . 343 Guilty Spark is a talking, floating robotic camera roughly the size of the Master Chief's head who is in charge of looking after "The Libary", which will be shortly explained.
The SPARTAN-II project emerged from the Human-Covenant War. The Covenant is a conglomerate of several alien races, and a radical religion (radical in the sense that it was extremely violent, not in the 1980's sense when it was equivilent to "good"). The Covenant discovered an enormous ring-world named Halo, a sort of monumental relic, and was soon discovered to be a powerful weapon with unknown capabilities.
The Covenant, while trying to find out how Halo works as a weapon, accidentally unleashed the Flood, a race of hundreds of millions of small, baloon-like zombies. The Flood parasitically infests living organisms by piercing through the throat after latching onto the face with its tenticles and digging two razor-sharp flagella into the spine and brain of the victim. After that, the victim is now under complete Flood control, and its body starts to rot as they are technically "dead". This was a most horrific site to any onlookers, and is understandable why both the Humans and the Covenant would want to destroy this race, or at least contain it.
343 Guilty Spark, being little more than a talking, floating camera, could do little to stop the Flood from exiting "The Libary", an ancient prison for the Flood. He convinced the Master Chief to assisit him in activating Halo's "defense mechanism", which the human did with much trouble (for he had to fight off both the Flood and Covenant). Spark assured him that it was the only way to stop the Flood.
Just as the Master Chief was about to activate Halo from its central control room, his Artificial Intellegence partner Cortana told him to stop. She explained that after looking over Halo's archives, it would wipe out the Flood, by wiping out their food. Their food, however, is every living thing in the galaxy. So, Halo has the power to destroy all life in the galaxy, which would kill the Flood forever, at a high price.
343 Guilty Spark is biased, of course, because he was programmed to contain the Flood, and he isn't a living thing. The Master Chief obviously refused to activate Halo, insisting that there must be some other way to contain the vile parasites, which caused a fate worse than death. So, who's side would you be on? Destroy the Flood at a heavy cost to wipe them from the face of not just the galaxy, but the universe? Or try to find another way, with the risk that there might not be one? Hmmm...
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Written 7/4/03
But first, a little history lesson. When the Roman Empire began its monarchy, or "caeser" period (after its republic period), time was just about to pass from B.C. to A.D., or from BCE to CE, as it has become. Although the creation of a head figure in the government instead of a group of quarrelsome representatives was a welcome, the first many years of the not-patriarchal monarchy were marked with assassination and scheming.
Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus, the grand-nephew to the first emporer Octavius, better known as Augustus, viewed the early Roman monarchy with his own two eyes. He is not to be confused with Tiberius, his uncle, and second emporer, Drusus, his son and in no way related to the throne, His brother Germanicus the general who waged campaigns against the Germans and was killed in a superstitious manner when his jade talisman of the one protector of witches and phantoms "Hecate" was removed from his pillow on the twenty-fifth day of his life-threatening illness causing Rome to be thrown into a month-long period of mourning and sluggish progression, His nephew Nero who should not be confused with the Nero that would become emporer and be notorious for allegedly starting the fire tha nearly destroyed the city of Rome and was known for his brutal persecution of Christians, or the other Claudius who was famous for decades earlier writing a detailed history of the Eutruscan peoples who inhabited Italy before the Romans. No, this Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus (his shortened name, by the way) was known for being the fourth emperor, despite everyone expecting he should die because of his born-with irregularities and speech impediment.
The first emporer was the great Augustus, one of, if not the, best Roman rulers, setting the stage for an empire that would be unmatched in size and glory. He treated Claudius with kind indiference, not really caring about him, which was actually better than most who thought him as good as dead such as his grandmother Livia, wife of Augustus and mother of Tiberius. With the death of Augustus after his long reign, Tiberius his son took over, who, although he wasnt cruel to Claudius, didn't much care for him. Tiberius was a shrewd emporer and a rather good military leader, but lacked the charisma and political finesse of his predecessor and father Augustus.
When Tiberius lost the throne, his granson Gaius took over. As a child, Gaius insisted on wearing a custom made soldier's uniform every day, earning him the nickname "little boot", or in Latin, Caligula. Unfortunatly for Rome, Caligula was out of his mind. He didn't think that he was just a god, like the other emporers, but he thought he was every god, female and male. He was known for launching a campaign against Neptune, god of the sea, sending an entire two leigions out to a beach outside Rome to slash away at the little waves and tides with their swords--the only casualty filed was a soldier who was pinched by a lobster. Caligula also killed people left and right, whom he thought threatened his rule or just from personal grudges. Claudius, "poor uncle Claudius" as he became known (for Caligula was his nephew, son of Germanicus), did whatever he could to stay out of Caligula's way for fear of his own life, and when he was forced to share prescence with the mad emperor, was extremely nice to him.
Caligula was assassinated by a group of his own guards. They, fearing that Rome would collapse without an immediate leader, and Caligula hadn't picked a successor, scrambled to find someone of the royal family to surprise with the title of Emperor of the Roman Empire. They chose Poor Uncle Claudius to have the crown, something that he himself wished he would never have to deal with. Conclusion.
Written 6/1/03
Although a controversial subject, this essay is being written now. For years, the method of transporting olives will be improved. This is no further from the truth. If you want an output (i.e. output) the input must be doubled.
In ancient times, the place was ruled by warriors who knew the value of warriors. The first thing she learned was to build a solid foundation for the second story that would need an even stronger foundation. It is too cold to do much more than can be expected. This is seen only in the daytime.
Fortunatly, I plan to go and have a sandwich at a local diner, requiring money in exchange for delectables. Others will be able to lead as well, in time, as it progresses. Notwithstanding, it is impossible for me to not refuse the correct refund. No one can see (i.e. eyes) without first taking a good look at the olives.
So, the Ancients were right, and so were we, in thinking that the end justifies the means. In conclusion, I think Nik should be punched in the back.
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Written 6/6/03
The book Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bront-ay, shows the selfish ulterior motives and the theme of revenge in almost all of its characters. The story centers around Heathcliff, a young soldier who just graduated from the XR-217 military academy in the future city of Ingland. Heathcliff, or simply "Cliffy" as his classmates called him, graduates with high honors, but on a return to the house he grew up in his life takes a drastic turn.
The mainframe computer that runs the city, named Kathy, regulates and watches over the entire population of Ingland. Cliffy fell in love with the benevolent supercomputer at a young age, but wants to keep her all to himself instead of having to share her with millions of others. He goes on a violent crusade against certain high-ranking members of the Ingland supreme forum, who govern the city. Cliffy kills Viceroy Edgar, the head of the council, in an effort to cause an uproar. He still is not satisfied with others feeling love for his one and only Kathy.
During a high-speed hovercraft chase, Heatchcliff and his medic, Nelly, discover that only in death can he and Kathy finally be at peace. He launches a one-man mission to shutdown the supercomputer, and causes total chaos in Ingland. With Kathy dead, the high council decides to build a smaller supercomputer, also named Kathy, who Cliffy feels is like a daughter to him, but hates her because she reminds him so much of the elder Kathy. The new Kathy, however, falls in love with a computer Cliffy created himself, named Lin-Ton. Cliffy is pleased with this turn of events, and just as Lin-Ton and Kathy II decide to join their hard drives in matrimony, Cliffy kills Lin-Ton. The younger Cathy is devastated.
Cliffy never seemed to be content, no matter how much blood was shed. His character is one of greed, pride, anger, and most of all vengeance. The future was apparently not ready for such a soldier, and he died a lonely man, leaving only his servant-robot Hare-E-Ton, to fall in love with the younger Kathy. With her most famous work, Bront-ay shows how even life in the distant future is filled with unhappy love and insatiable vengeance.
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